Have you ever done something so spazzy in public that you actually prefer that people just presume you are drunk?
So I'm walking through the subway tunnel on my way home from work while balancing my gym bag, my purse, my eReader and a bag of groceries. As I'm walking I was nibbling on some mixed nuts. While adjusting my grip on my various bags, I proceeded to loose my balance, trip on my own feet and spill some of my nuts in an inelegant wobble stumble kinda move that ended in me crashing into a garbage can.
I was so incredibly embarrassed that I just tried to keep walking with my head held high but I made the mistake of making eye contact with an older woman waiting for the next train. She kinda shook her head at me and I thought...
Does she think I stumbled because I'm drunk? Or does she just think I'm the worlds biggest spazz?
And then it occurred to me. Deep down I kinda hoped that she presumed I stumbled, flailed and wobbled because I had been drinking versus because I'm just an uncoordinated mess.
This brought on a revelation.
Why did I care what this random woman thought of me? I'm an accomplished and respectable young woman. Ok, so maybe I'm a little inelegant at times and more than a bit of a klutz but that doesn't give anyone the right to judge me. And on top of that why did I presume that this woman was thinking poorly about me at all?
I mean so what? I stumbled and spilled some nuts. It's not the end of the world. And yet here I was, over analyzing what this perfect stranger was thinking about my actions and allowing it to impact my view of myself and that's just not right.
I had a bit of an "Ah Ha!!!" moment over the whole thing. I mean, we all say that we don't care what other people think of us but deep down we all do. We all wonder if people are judging us and finding us lacking. It's part of human nature. I've always thought that I left this kind of foolishness behind when I was a teenager but in those few minutes I found myself reverting back to a young insecure girl and I didn't like the feeling.
I mean had the thought actually crossed my mind that I would rather have this woman presume I was drunk in public that have her think I'm just a spazz? How ridiculous is that?
Moral of the story is that yes, I'm a spazz, and worse than that I'm guilty of allowing peoples judgement of me cloud my perception of who I am as a person. And that is most assuredly not cool.
So here is my promise to myself. I will judge myself less and worry less about how I am judged by others. Because the bottom line is that the only opinions who truly matter are my own, the opinions of my loved one's and maybe God. And only Him because I figure if I'm going to hell, it's not going to be because I forgot to mention Him in my blog ;)
Thoughts? Do you worry about what strangers think of you?